i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
