you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
