Only a mothe r could love this liver
Four minutes until I can fart!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You're like the curious george of whores
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
