Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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