Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
