Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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