It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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