im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
