i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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