my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
