Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
