ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
