Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
