I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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