final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize