shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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