omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Im part way to drunk.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
