Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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