just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize