paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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