I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
