I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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