You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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