People in love make me want to vomit
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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