ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
