This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
