the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
