My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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