Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
