if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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