I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
