There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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