We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
