I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
