Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
