After last night, I could never be a politician.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
