There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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