Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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