I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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