we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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