how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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