I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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