I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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