I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
