I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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