I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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