Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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