somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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