On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
