turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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