when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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