would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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