It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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