Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize