You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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