Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she smelled like a LAN party
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
