I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
