I hope my margaritas pass through security.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i drank out of a bidet.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
