I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
