dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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