Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
